Something I cannot hold back anymore
I have chosen to pen this in English, simply because I want to detach myself as much emotionally as I can.
I know I am VERY emotional and it isn't too right to be so, in a professional light.
Well, who really cares about being "professional", if it means being cold and/or unfeeling?
Hmm, I am very full of internal conflicts.
Kids ask me, do I regret teaching?
My "standard" answer is to shake my head.
No, I don't, i say, what is there to regret? But I admit I have thought of "other" choices before.
If there are other things I can do in which I can continue propogating my love for Chinese, I would.
I don't dislike teaching, neither do I love it like my life.
When I leave this profession in a matter of weeks, I will probably not return any more.
My free spirit tells me I must move on, to new challenges and environments to stretch myself.
To liberate myself.
Do I love the kids?
Yes and NO.
There are definitely moments I wish I need not ever leave some people.
Wonderful youngsters who touched me with their innocence and gestures of care, showing me my efforts have some impacts.
Kids who have taught me how to love them for who they are, because they gave me their trust.
People whom I think about after a long day at work, as I lie on my bed reflecting, praying they will grow up to be the people they want to be, happy and accomplished.
But I cannot deny, I have been hurt, very badly hurt.
By words, by actions, by looks.
Friends say I have opened my heart too much to expose it to hurt, so I cannot blame people.
They scold me for being too immature and believing too much in the goodness of humanity.
I don't get angry with my buddies and family, because I think they are right to an extent.
I cannot leave kids to "die for all I care", nobody deserves that.
If I cry in pain alone, the tears must dry by daybreak, so that no kid sees me in sadness.
So I laugh a lot, crap a lot, joke a lot, nag a lot.
It doesn't matter that I look stupid at times, I guess I have rather thick skin and I really thought my audience are having a good laugh out of it too.
Maybe I am not quite right.
Yes, of course I cannot possibly please 100% of the people I meet.
Perhaps, my brand of communication is not so acceptable, my jokes too "lame", my vocabulary too out of the way.
Too many possibilities.
E.g, I love to sing and my classes are my KTV audience sometimes.
Most kids are pretty amused, but there has to be a group who are probably pissed anyway.
It's natural, given I may not be making one and all happy sharing stuff I like, they may not take a fancy to my croaking anyway.
That's democracy.
I just want to share things I like.
Be it music, writing or interests... maybe I am just too loose about it and I don't bother how my target audience take it.
My mistake.
Especially writing, because that is MY passion ( but I am not the expert!) and I really believe to write well is something very useful in life.
So I tend to dwell a lot on writing.
Which doesn't go down very well with kids, despite my persistence.
Haha, now that the road is really coming to an end, I must work on turning off some mechanisms.
Those such as paranoia-- resultant of worry and pessimism-- also a resultant of worry.
So that I may begin to live for my well-being again and to see Life for more value.
As I finish up with something as important as the O levels, I think it's quite fitting.
Except I am also feeling quite blank and not very excited.
Guess I am quite "extra" to some kids, so I am getting pretty much back-seated.
Yes, I think I have finished nagging whatever I have to say.
Almost died trying to shout myself hoarse in classes.
That, is also coming to an end.
To all of you out there:
Good Luck, in all that you do.
Live your Life like it's the best thing you are giving to the world and it'll be worth it.
If you ever wish to talk, drop me an MSN message, no problem if I am Alive to take it.
I know I am VERY emotional and it isn't too right to be so, in a professional light.
Well, who really cares about being "professional", if it means being cold and/or unfeeling?
Hmm, I am very full of internal conflicts.
Kids ask me, do I regret teaching?
My "standard" answer is to shake my head.
No, I don't, i say, what is there to regret? But I admit I have thought of "other" choices before.
If there are other things I can do in which I can continue propogating my love for Chinese, I would.
I don't dislike teaching, neither do I love it like my life.
When I leave this profession in a matter of weeks, I will probably not return any more.
My free spirit tells me I must move on, to new challenges and environments to stretch myself.
To liberate myself.
Do I love the kids?
Yes and NO.
There are definitely moments I wish I need not ever leave some people.
Wonderful youngsters who touched me with their innocence and gestures of care, showing me my efforts have some impacts.
Kids who have taught me how to love them for who they are, because they gave me their trust.
People whom I think about after a long day at work, as I lie on my bed reflecting, praying they will grow up to be the people they want to be, happy and accomplished.
But I cannot deny, I have been hurt, very badly hurt.
By words, by actions, by looks.
Friends say I have opened my heart too much to expose it to hurt, so I cannot blame people.
They scold me for being too immature and believing too much in the goodness of humanity.
I don't get angry with my buddies and family, because I think they are right to an extent.
I cannot leave kids to "die for all I care", nobody deserves that.
If I cry in pain alone, the tears must dry by daybreak, so that no kid sees me in sadness.
So I laugh a lot, crap a lot, joke a lot, nag a lot.
It doesn't matter that I look stupid at times, I guess I have rather thick skin and I really thought my audience are having a good laugh out of it too.
Maybe I am not quite right.
Yes, of course I cannot possibly please 100% of the people I meet.
Perhaps, my brand of communication is not so acceptable, my jokes too "lame", my vocabulary too out of the way.
Too many possibilities.
E.g, I love to sing and my classes are my KTV audience sometimes.
Most kids are pretty amused, but there has to be a group who are probably pissed anyway.
It's natural, given I may not be making one and all happy sharing stuff I like, they may not take a fancy to my croaking anyway.
That's democracy.
I just want to share things I like.
Be it music, writing or interests... maybe I am just too loose about it and I don't bother how my target audience take it.
My mistake.
Especially writing, because that is MY passion ( but I am not the expert!) and I really believe to write well is something very useful in life.
So I tend to dwell a lot on writing.
Which doesn't go down very well with kids, despite my persistence.
Haha, now that the road is really coming to an end, I must work on turning off some mechanisms.
Those such as paranoia-- resultant of worry and pessimism-- also a resultant of worry.
So that I may begin to live for my well-being again and to see Life for more value.
As I finish up with something as important as the O levels, I think it's quite fitting.
Except I am also feeling quite blank and not very excited.
Guess I am quite "extra" to some kids, so I am getting pretty much back-seated.
Yes, I think I have finished nagging whatever I have to say.
Almost died trying to shout myself hoarse in classes.
That, is also coming to an end.
To all of you out there:
Good Luck, in all that you do.
Live your Life like it's the best thing you are giving to the world and it'll be worth it.
If you ever wish to talk, drop me an MSN message, no problem if I am Alive to take it.
posted by 荊云 at 7:58 PM
3 Comments:
just do what you think is right, but second thoughts are best.
i will be sad... to lose such a good teacher AND sometimes, A FRIEND... nver have i come across such a wonderful and nice teacher... many teachers seem to have generation gap with us but the things you do, the things you say we all understand... thus i this shows that there is no generation gap btw u and ur students... although you will leave in weeks, i really hope that when you cannot cope or stand your new work, consider comming back... we will all miss you... well, if u really must go, all the best to u!
ms lily...just want to say that more pupils like you then u know...i think that those who were taught by you were very luck...especially me...thank goodness i wasn't taught by some other horrendous chinese teachers...like ***ahem***...we have a lot in school...lols...anyway...i hope you will finally find a job which you would enjoy more than the one you are currently having...good luck in whatever you do and...THANK YOU!
Post a Comment
<< Home